Open Letter to an Ex-Boyfriend

I heard you were mad that I unfriended you on Facebook.

Okay, but here’s the thing: when we end up at the same venue, maybe one of us should say hi to the other. Since my natural instinct was to make fun of how you looked and avoid you like the plague, I think that’s a pretty good sign that we’re not “cool.” And that I’m probably too immature to ever be “just your friend.”

I know we didn’t end our relationship bad terms, but fact is, there’s no reason to stay involved in each other’s lives. You don’t care about the industry in which I work, nor do you care about my self-improvement agenda. I could care less about your lunches from sub-par restaurants or your cat.

Besides, the more I think about it, the more I realize that our relationship kind of sucked. You know that butterfly feeling you’re supposed to get when you kiss someone for the first time? I didn’t have it. In fact, I was kind of horrified you kissed me in the first place. It was uncomfortable, but it’d been a long time since a guy had shown interest in me, and you seemed nice and funny, so maybe the relationship could grow.

And it did for awhile. It was fun. But then there was the night that you pretty much said you planned to stay in one spot for the rest of your life. And then you pooped on my dreams. And then it just felt like every time I saw you, you opened your mouth and lost relationship points.

I resented you. I couldn’t stand to touch you. I think part of the reason that I don’t want to be involved in your life is because, honestly, you kind of gross me out now. It wouldn’t hurt to clean your shower at least once in the span of a relationship. I don’t harbor hate for you, but I am just disappointed that I didn’t end it sooner.

Just, also, ew. Ew to so much, and I’d apologize, but who would I apologize to?

You’re kind of sexist. Just a little. Actually, a lot. And you think you can get away with it because you care about your mom. That’s like saying you’re not racist because you have one black friend. It’s crap.

And who thinks that when you break up, the subtext is actually, “Let’s just not be exclusive but still be a couple?” when I said, “I’m not in a place to be in a relationship,” and we fought all the time? Excuse me? Oh, and to call me out for “being weird” about it after you spent all night trying to hold my hand while I subtly clutched my purse on my lap and hoped you’d FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stop it?

We didn’t end on bad terms, but I retroactively ended it on bad terms.

Thanks for the good memories, and I truly do hope you have a good life. I just don’t want to be a part of it.

PS – I did later kiss that one guy you said wasn’t a threat. Oops.

PPS – I wish I had a mind eraser to forget all the times you actually managed to keep it together enough that we could sleep together. :-\